Picking every NFL head coach’s alternate job based off their annual photo

It’s that magical time of year again: The NFL coaches photo. Our yearly opportunity to say “oh yeah, that’s what that guy looks like” and “I can’t believe he decided to wear that.”

Behold the 2024 NFL head coaches in all their glory:

This year we’re really trying to get inside the heads of these men. Decide what makes them tick. The best way to do this? Arbitrarily judging their clothing and deciding what their life’s calling would be if they weren’t NFL head coaches.

Note: Matt Eberflus, Mike McCarthy, Sean Payton, Nick Siriani and Mike Tomlin were not present for the photo.

Mike McDaniel: Lists “DJ” on his tax return but actually makes his money selling drugs

Dave Canales: The third Property Brother who’s also a motivational speaker

Jerod Mayo: Stay at home dad

Brian Daboll: Masked vigilante known as “The Human Thumb”

Dan Quinn: Ex-con running “scared straight” seminars for at-risk youth

Sean McVay: Former Chippendales dancer who now runs the Biloxi, Mississippi franchise of Chippendales on river boats

Jim Harbaugh: Pastor at Wood and Nails, a midwest mega church that also has an on-campus pizza kitchen

Shane Steichen: The best CPA in the tri-county area

Andy Reid: Owner of the best shaved ice truck in the lower 48

Doug Pederson: Personal injury attorney specializing in ride-on lawnmower accidents

Robert Saleh: Owner and operator of “Bobby’s Beard Dyeing of Redondo Beach”

Dan Campbell: Ham tester

Antonio Pierce: Personal bodyguard for Reba McIntyre

Sean McDermott: Takes his job as manager of the local Outback VERY seriously

Dennis Allen: Undercover cop

Kevin O’Connell: The 10th grade history teacher who cooks folks in the student-vs-teachers basketball game

Zac Taylor: The 10th grade English teacher who inevitably gets cooked by Kevin O’Connell

John Harbaugh: Independently wealthy investor who now works part-time in the fasteners department of Home Depot “just for fun”

Kevin Stefanski: Child who woke up in adult’s body and is petrified people know his secret

Todd Bowles: Firefighter

Mike McDonald: Firestarter

Kyle Shanahan: Runs the BMW shop in Carson, CA by day. Spends his paycheck on poker at night

Raheem Morris: Deacon at Mount Zion Baptist Church. Works at a personal training facility.

Demeco Ryans: Pastor at Mount Zion Baptist Church. Owns the training facility Deacon Morris works at.

Brian Callahan: If Arthur Smith decided to not coach and work at FedEx.

Jonathan Gannon: Alien sent from planet Thoraciax not to destroy Earth, but to observe it. Unfortunately crash landed in Jersey City and now works at an Applebees.